It should be a beautiful day in spring last i checked, but the sky was blood-metal red and the air sat stale and heavy. The ambiance of danger was so palpable i felt a tinge of unease as the cold air crept up my spine causing me to shiver. I rubbed at my eyes as if my still-half-sleepy yet conscious sight might be playing a number on me. Surely it wasn’t sunset yet? At least not by my watch, as I glanced quickly at the time. It was 7.35am. Great! I muttered. I was stuck in traffic on the gloomiest day on planet Earth. Things could be a lot worse than morning traffic, I thought to myself. Perhaps a sandstorm, blizzard or tornado may be approaching? Dang it! I should have checked the weather channel before leaving home. I was in such a rush to head out of the door after waking up an hour later than usual, that I didn’t get to do any of my morning rituals. Still, nothing could take away the feeling of satisfaction I went to bed with last night. My mind quickly wandered to the amazing time I had with myself.
It was my 12th year anniversary with Dorian. But we had parted ways 3 weeks prior. And after 3 straight weeks of non stop crying and wallowing, I had decided it was time to move on. My determination to make the best of our break-up was well underway, and i was making a conscious choice for once in 12yrs to put myself first. It was time to bury all the pain and heartache i had been going through for years. Last night, like Dama said; was Day 1 of the rest of my life. A new chapter in the pages that was Gae Noel’s life. I had ordered take-out from my favorite restaurant, rented a romantic movie and brought out the best wine in my pantry. I knew what I wanted now. It was time to love me the way I wanted to be loved.
The movie turned out to be a great choice, and the candle lit dinner created the calming mood i needed to totally cleanse my emotions. The food was pure bliss. It tasted so scrumptious, my taste buds still tingle with excitement just from the thought of it all. At the end of the meal, i was beginning to feel comfortable in myself, and my emotions towards me were those of reverence. I was pretty good-looking for a 43yr old who ran a Fortune 500 company. I remember the multiple opportunities i had to flirt with the many gorgeous men who came my way, but i didn’t out of respect for Dorian. Perhaps it was time to flirt with myself, maybe get to know my body a little better.
I had some chocolate souffle for dessert , then headed to the bedroom that was once mine and Dorian’s. The king sized bed did feel lonely after he left, but tonight it would be my Haven for unimaginable pleasures. I lit the ylang-ylang scented candles, had low volume Jazz music playing in the background and slipped into the most erotic red and black laced lingerie i could find. I remember getting this particular lingerie as a romantic gesture for Dorian, but tonight i was ready to be enthralled in every possible sensory pleasure my body was capable of dishing out while clad in them.
I slowly and gently caressed my way down my entire body, feeling and savoring every contour,and every inch of my curvaceous light olive toned skin. I felt, fondled and lovingly touched myself for what seemed to be the most blissful span of eternity. When i couldn’t hold back the yearnings anymore, i decided to take it up a notch and move things to the bathroom. I had left the bathtub running with some bubble bath. As i slipped out of my lingerie and into the bathtub, the smell of warm Amber, Eucalyptus and lavender created an intensely calming effect that i could literally feel every pulse in my veins as the blood in my body pumped its way towards my head. The Cedar Wood Essential Oil i left burning also created the perfect aphrodisiac to enhance every sensory receptacle in my mind and body’s nerve endings. I lay there sweetly taking in every beautiful breath and relishing the moment as much as i could. I reached down between my legs and inserted 2 fingers into my ‘honey pot’. This time i wasn’t aiming for a short-lived orgasm, i was aiming for euphoria.
My thoughts were quickly jolted back to the present by the intense screeching scream coming from the lady in the car 2 feet ahead of me. Hailstorm! Great! i thought. Then the hysteria started. everyone was getting out of their cars and running. The screams got louder and even more intense. Suddenly there was that strong pungent smell. It was the smell of ash and sulfur. It was the smell of death. I looked closely, this wasn’t hailstorm, it was raining meteors. All at once i started to feel hysteric, angry, sad and lonely at the same time. The thought of death had never crossed my mind. I couldn’t breath. I reached for the door to get out of the car. Too late. A large meteorite struck. Blackness! It was the beginning of the end for Earth…
Its 10.45pm, the weather is perfect and the night sky is absolutely gorgeous. We’ve just had chinese take-out for dinner. I pick up my fortune cookie and read what it says; “Make a wish on the next star for good luck the next day”. I smile and gather the kids, get a pair of binoculars and the telescope. The kids are excited. It’s always fun to go star-gazing. Its past their bed time, but I’m feeling a little relaxed tonight, so i guess 10 mins or more of gazing at the stars wouldn’t do much harm. We head outside and start watching the beautiful night sky as the stars twinkle with so much breathtaking radiance. Suddenly we spot a shooting star and i ask my 5-year-old to quickly make a wish. He’s ecstatic and quickly says; “I wish we had loads and loads of money”. I smiled at him and asked; “why would you wish for that baby?”, he replies with; “well if we had loads and loads of money, you wouldn’t have to work all the time and you would spend time having lots of fun with me. Suddenly i realized, my baby is all grown and I’m not sure how i missed it all. He was right. I wasn’t spending as much time as i wanted to with my babies. they were all growing so fast and as much as i want to be with them, I’m not always with them, even when I’m with them, I’m never really completely with them, cos my mind is constantly focused on some project I’m working on.
Somehow I had become a workaholic, and i don’t remember how it all started, but i still remember the simpler days. The days when i had nothing but i was content and happy. I was in love and my boyfriend and i had just moved into the big city with nothing but big dreams. We had nothing but an air bed at home to lay our heads on when we got home. We had no furnitures, no stove, cooking utensils or carpet on our floor. Just disposable paper plates for food and an air bed to sleep at night. We would lay up almost all night having a laugh about the state of our lives. Then he would kiss me and promise “It won’t always be this way, i promise”. i would smile and reply: “I know baby”.
That was 7 years ago. But it feels like it was 50 years ago. We now made all the money we stayed up all night dreaming about. Successful careers we wanted so bad back then. This was what we wanted right? i mean surely that was the plan. But it’s now 11.30pm on a sunday night and my once romantic boyfriend now husband is out and i have no idea where he is.
My thoughts are quickly interrupted by my second child asking for help with the toothpaste to brush her teeth. It was time for their nightly routine. All three of my kids line up in the bathroom, toothbrush in hand, pajamas on and ready to brush their teeth. When they’re done, they all come up to me, smile and ask; “Is it clean mummy?”. My usual reply would be; “hmmm, lets take a look… hmmm, looks good to me”. They would all smile, while i escorted them to their bedroom. Then tuck them in and read a bed-time story. We would say a prayer and each one of them would give and receive a goodnight kiss and cuddle. Somehow i longed for their nightly routine. It’s weird how that’s the only bonding time i seem to have with them these days.
As soon as the kids were sweetly snuggled in bed and fast asleep, i headed back to my work computer, but this time it was hard to stay focused. I kept hearing my son’s voice in my head. “Maybe if you had loads and loads of money, you would spend more time with us mummy”. I looked at my desk, there was so much to do, i had just gotten a promotion 2 weeks ago, and i do love my job but i’m definitely not a workaholic. At least i’m sure i’m not. So what’s happening? i thought to myself. I shrugged the feeling of pain and loneliness that was now starting to build up and tried to get some work done, but all i could think of was; how my life was now so different.
It’s now 12.50am and I’d manage to get a few projects partially completed. I hear the door knob turn. My husband is back, so i walk over to the living room and greet him with “hey baby”. “Hey” he replies. “Want some dinner?” i ask. “Nah thanks I’m good” he replies. I can tell he’s not in the mood to chat as he walks into his bedroom and closes the door behind him. Once again, that feeling of loneliness and pain starts to well up. I’m at the brink of tears and I’m not sure why. So i go after him into his bedroom (yes we have separate bedrooms like two old couples). I sit on the bed beside him and ask; “Do you remember the days when we would sit up all night and laugh?” he replies with: “yep! why?” “Nothing. Just wondered if we can go back to those days again” i say. “well we can’t go back, cos we both have, work kids and responsibilities to deal with, so if you don’t mind, i’ll like to sleep now, thank you” he mutters with a half sleepy voice. I give him a kiss on the forehead and say “goodnight baby”.
I fight the tears and tell myself its ok. It could be worse. it’s just another day with a perfect stranger that was once my lover..