Tag Archives: pain

When I was younger I took a lot of shortcuts
But when you’re older and you hit a brick wall
You have to wait
Wait for a process that grinds you and turns you to zero
You have to learn and embrace a process that molds you into something different
Something separate
Something not everyone will embrace or want to be a part off
You have to love a process that isolates you and molds the true you
When I was younger I used to take shortcuts
But there are no shortcuts when you’re young or older

~ GE

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A penny for my thoughts? What’s a million thoughts per second worth?

I sit here every night pondering and wondering why life and humanity is the way it is. Better yet, why I see life the way I do and no one else (at least no one that I know) sees it that way? Each day I feel like writing my thoughts down, but I always end up avoiding the pain in these emotions, by playing candy crush soda. It’s usually a lot easier, at least for a while.
All the same, here I am. Unable to avoid my pen any longer. Finally writing my emotions at 3.30am in the morning, thanks to the delusive tool that is Facebook.
 It’s funny how certain things come across as useful, yet they have a way of doling out society’s ugly and disgusting traits, or life’s ugliness, pain, and emptiness. For example, I log onto Facebook 2 days ago and find out someone I grew up with as a kid has passed away. I cry my eyes out and can’t bring myself to write a simple RIP on her Facebook wall. All I want to say is; I’m sorry I never stayed in touch. I’m sorry I never took a moment in time to ask you how life’s treating you, or ask you if you’re doing ok! I’m sorry is all I can think of. Yet I’m sorry isn’t really enough. 
Yesterday I logged onto Facebook again (24hrs after my mental breakdown from realizing an old friend is dead) and I see a picture of the most adorable baby trending on Facebook. With lots of comments from my friends, I decide to check out who this adorable baby belongs to. Turns out an old friend who deleted me off Facebook and cut me out of his life just had this beautiful baby. I’m thrilled for him. However, I can’t help but wonder if this baby will grow up being brainwashed and biased like its dad. See, the only reason my good old friend cut me off is because I posted the phrase “Happy Rosh Hashanah” on Facebook. We had a heated argument about the State of Israel. I was pro Israel, and he was pro Palestine. He hated Israel, and I loved both Israel and Palestine. For him, he couldn’t bring himself to be associated with someone he termed “A Jew Lover”. Even though we once lived in the same building, shared a couple of drinks after work, and shared lots of laughs and fun memories, he was done with me the second he learned I was in anyway remotely pro-Jews…. I still stare at our pictures and wonder how anyone could hate Israel that much???? I’ve never really understood the concept of prejudice.  Needless to say, mental breakdown part 2 set in. I quickly logged off and went back to bed. 
I logged on to Facebook again this morning (Addictive habit, this Facebook thing). I saw posts by someone I’d been trying to reach for weeks. I scroll through her page and see she’s doing fine. Actually she’s doing better than fine. She’s passionate about a group that I think is a ‘little cultish group’ (luckily I’ve kept my opinion about this group to myself). Turns out she really doesn’t give a flippity flop about me, and I’m just a bleep in her radar. One of many bleeps, and nothing more than a numbers filler. I see how everyone purrs at her and give her loads of attention. I see how everyone I’m connected to through her is no different from her. I look away because obviously envy is a sin. I’ll do myself some good by not becoming envious. 
However, she’s got me thinking. What purpose do we serve or achieve by staying connected to unnecessary people? Why do we spend time kissing the asses of mean conceited people and the ones with true love in their hearts waste away right before our eyes? The time I spent texting her, would have been time I spent saying hello to my now dead friend. I can’t help but compare my humble and meek dead friend to this conceited and overly inflated ego’ed acquaintance (see how my perception of her has shifted from friend to acquaintance). 
I’m exhausted from having to ponder society’s many disgusting traits. It’s easy for many to avoid it. It’s hard for me  to disconnect myself from it all. Whenever I write, it’s always in pain. I’ve been told I write way too many dark poems. Maybe it’s because we live in a dark world and we only choose to see and believe what we want to…
I’m exhausted. I should get some sleep. 

We are all alike
All of us together
The greed
The hunger
We crave the bad
Yet act the good

I hear her voice
The old lady
Who whimpers
And wonders when it all ends
Her eyes are set on other worlds
Not visible to the young ones
She looks on with anticipation
Thinking any moment now
The aches and pain
Hopefully will cease
The loneliness
Hopefully would be gone
She closes her eyes
And makes a wish upon death

I hear her screams
The little child
Whose mother is nowhere to be found
And the monster above her
Is devoid of a conscience
A demon in daylight
An animal with opportunity
Opportunity to prey
Slowly her screams become whimpers
The pain slowly tears through her innocent nerves
Sucking the little life out her
I hear her gasp for her last breath
Her tiny heart stops

I hear his cries for help
The young man
Beaten to a pulp
His face, bloody and broken
His flesh, slowly burning
He’s burnt to death
For reasons he knows not why
The pain is numbing
Soon it’s over
And all he remembers is
“Where is my helper
My faith is lost”

I feel his aching heart
The old man
Whose lover is no more
He longs to be with her
The loneliness is heart wrenching
There’s no one to take away the pain
No one to call home
Her absence hurts more than a million knives

I hear her
The woman who’s lost her child
Her pain is more than she can bear
Her heart bleeds blue
None can comfort her

I see you
I see your pain
It’s my burden

I see you
I see your inability to be perceptive
I see you’ve gone cold
I see your heart’s rid itself of passion
I see you and I wonder why

This is my burden
This is my curse
This is my pain
Hope in a hopeless age
Love in a loveless aeon
Passion in a brutal world
Chaos is my solace
My heart still wanders
Still! Who can lift a wanderer’s curse


Pain in Passion
Passion in pain
I thought I loved
But then came the guilt
Stronger than the sharpest blade
Hurts more than a bleeding heart
I’m lost
Lost in you
My pain, my shame, my pleasure, my remorse
Once I loved
Now I hate
Love and hate
What’s the difference
The pain I feel
is all I know
The remorse I bear
is all that’s left
But then again
I’m not sure I would take it back
But I do hope
you feel my pain
For my love is you
And passion knows no bounds

~ GE

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Its 10.45pm, the weather is perfect and the night sky is absolutely gorgeous. We’ve just had chinese take-out for dinner. I pick up my fortune cookie and read what it says; “Make a wish on the next star for good luck the next day”. I smile and gather the kids, get a pair of binoculars and the telescope. The kids are excited. It’s always fun to go star-gazing. Its past their bed time, but I’m feeling a little relaxed tonight, so i guess 10 mins or more of gazing at the stars wouldn’t do much harm. We head outside and start watching the beautiful night sky as the stars twinkle with so much breathtaking radiance. Suddenly we spot a shooting star and i ask my 5-year-old to quickly make a wish. He’s ecstatic and quickly says; “I wish we had loads and loads of money”. I smiled at him and asked; “why would you wish for that baby?”, he replies with; “well if we had loads and loads of money, you wouldn’t have to work all the time and you would spend time having lots of fun with me. Suddenly i realized, my baby is all grown and I’m not sure how i missed it all. He was right. I wasn’t spending as much time as i wanted to with my babies. they were all growing so fast and as much as i want to be with them, I’m not always with them, even when I’m with them, I’m never really completely with them, cos my mind is constantly focused on some project I’m working on.

Somehow I had become a workaholic, and i don’t remember how it all started, but i still remember the simpler days. The days when i had nothing but i was content and happy. I was in love and my boyfriend and i had just moved into the big city with nothing but big dreams. We had nothing but an air bed at home to lay our heads on when we got home. We had no furnitures, no stove, cooking utensils or carpet on our floor. Just disposable paper plates for food and an air bed to sleep at night. We would lay up almost all night having a laugh about the state of our lives. Then he would kiss me and promise “It won’t always be this way, i promise”. i would smile and reply: “I know baby”.

That was 7 years ago. But it feels like it was 50 years ago. We now made all the money we stayed up all night dreaming about. Successful careers we wanted so bad back then. This was what we wanted right? i mean surely that was the plan. But it’s now 11.30pm on a sunday night and my once romantic boyfriend now husband is out and i have no idea where he is.

My thoughts are quickly interrupted by my second child asking for help with the toothpaste to brush her teeth. It was time for their nightly routine. All three of my kids line up in the bathroom, toothbrush in hand, pajamas on and ready to brush their teeth. When they’re done, they all come up to me, smile and ask; “Is it clean mummy?”. My usual reply would be; “hmmm, lets take a look… hmmm, looks good to me”. They would all smile, while i escorted them to their bedroom. Then tuck them in and read a bed-time story. We would say a prayer and each one of them would give and receive a goodnight kiss and cuddle. Somehow i longed for their nightly routine. It’s weird how that’s the only bonding time i seem to have with them these days.

As soon as the kids were sweetly snuggled in bed and fast asleep, i headed back to my work computer, but this time it was hard to stay focused. I kept hearing my son’s voice in my head. “Maybe if you had loads and loads of money, you would spend more time with us mummy”. I looked at my desk, there was so much to do, i had just gotten a promotion 2 weeks ago, and i do love my job but i’m definitely not a workaholic. At least i’m sure i’m not. So what’s happening? i thought to myself. I shrugged the feeling of pain and loneliness that was now starting to build up and tried to get some work done, but all i could think of was; how my life was now so different.

It’s now 12.50am and I’d manage to get a few projects partially completed. I hear the door knob turn. My husband is back, so i walk over to the living room and greet him with “hey baby”. “Hey” he replies. “Want some dinner?” i ask. “Nah thanks I’m good” he replies. I can tell he’s not in the mood to chat as he walks into his bedroom and closes the door behind him. Once again, that feeling of loneliness and pain starts to well up. I’m at the brink of tears and I’m not sure why. So i go after him into his bedroom (yes we have separate bedrooms like two old couples). I sit on the bed beside him and ask; “Do you remember the days when we would sit up all night and laugh?” he replies with: “yep! why?” “Nothing. Just wondered if we can go back to those days again” i say. “well we can’t go back, cos we both have, work kids and responsibilities to deal with, so if you don’t mind, i’ll like to sleep now, thank you” he mutters with a half sleepy voice. I give him a kiss on the forehead and say “goodnight baby”.

I fight the tears and tell myself its ok. It could be worse. it’s just another day with a perfect stranger that was once my lover..



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