A penny for my thoughts? What’s a million thoughts per second worth?
I sit here every night pondering and wondering why life and humanity is the way it is. Better yet, why I see life the way I do and no one else (at least no one that I know) sees it that way? Each day I feel like writing my thoughts down, but I always end up avoiding the pain in these emotions, by playing candy crush soda. It’s usually a lot easier, at least for a while.
All the same, here I am. Unable to avoid my pen any longer. Finally writing my emotions at 3.30am in the morning, thanks to the delusive tool that is Facebook.
It’s funny how certain things come across as useful, yet they have a way of doling out society’s ugly and disgusting traits, or life’s ugliness, pain, and emptiness. For example, I log onto Facebook 2 days ago and find out someone I grew up with as a kid has passed away. I cry my eyes out and can’t bring myself to write a simple RIP on her Facebook wall. All I want to say is; I’m sorry I never stayed in touch. I’m sorry I never took a moment in time to ask you how life’s treating you, or ask you if you’re doing ok! I’m sorry is all I can think of. Yet I’m sorry isn’t really enough.
Yesterday I logged onto Facebook again (24hrs after my mental breakdown from realizing an old friend is dead) and I see a picture of the most adorable baby trending on Facebook. With lots of comments from my friends, I decide to check out who this adorable baby belongs to. Turns out an old friend who deleted me off Facebook and cut me out of his life just had this beautiful baby. I’m thrilled for him. However, I can’t help but wonder if this baby will grow up being brainwashed and biased like its dad. See, the only reason my good old friend cut me off is because I posted the phrase “Happy Rosh Hashanah” on Facebook. We had a heated argument about the State of Israel. I was pro Israel, and he was pro Palestine. He hated Israel, and I loved both Israel and Palestine. For him, he couldn’t bring himself to be associated with someone he termed “A Jew Lover”. Even though we once lived in the same building, shared a couple of drinks after work, and shared lots of laughs and fun memories, he was done with me the second he learned I was in anyway remotely pro-Jews…. I still stare at our pictures and wonder how anyone could hate Israel that much???? I’ve never really understood the concept of prejudice. Needless to say, mental breakdown part 2 set in. I quickly logged off and went back to bed.
I logged on to Facebook again this morning (Addictive habit, this Facebook thing). I saw posts by someone I’d been trying to reach for weeks. I scroll through her page and see she’s doing fine. Actually she’s doing better than fine. She’s passionate about a group that I think is a ‘little cultish group’ (luckily I’ve kept my opinion about this group to myself). Turns out she really doesn’t give a flippity flop about me, and I’m just a bleep in her radar. One of many bleeps, and nothing more than a numbers filler. I see how everyone purrs at her and give her loads of attention. I see how everyone I’m connected to through her is no different from her. I look away because obviously envy is a sin. I’ll do myself some good by not becoming envious.
However, she’s got me thinking. What purpose do we serve or achieve by staying connected to unnecessary people? Why do we spend time kissing the asses of mean conceited people and the ones with true love in their hearts waste away right before our eyes? The time I spent texting her, would have been time I spent saying hello to my now dead friend. I can’t help but compare my humble and meek dead friend to this conceited and overly inflated ego’ed acquaintance (see how my perception of her has shifted from friend to acquaintance).
I’m exhausted from having to ponder society’s many disgusting traits. It’s easy for many to avoid it. It’s hard for me to disconnect myself from it all. Whenever I write, it’s always in pain. I’ve been told I write way too many dark poems. Maybe it’s because we live in a dark world and we only choose to see and believe what we want to…
I’m exhausted. I should get some sleep.